It’s been roughly one year since my cancer journey began.
This time, a year ago, I was laid up in bed, in excruciating pain recovering from my full hysterectomy – and the future looked pretty grim… Let’s look over my year in pictures:
My best friend and I a week or so before I found out I had cancer.
My bestie and I again – this was after my two surgeries just before I started chemo.
With my fav girls on my 28th birthday – I had lost all my hair at this point.
So – what’s happened since I last blogged?
- I’ve had chemo (sucked ass)
- I’ve had radiotherapy (also sucked ass)
- I’m still coming to terms with having lost the ability to bare children
- Menopause has taken full swing and I have become a raving lunatic
- I got a dog (Buttonz)
- Changed career paths
- I’m still single and fear I may actually die alone
I don’t really need to explain how awful chemo and radiotherapy is, do I?
Ok, very quickly – chemo sucked. It’s literally poison that they give you in the hopes of it ‘hitting the right spot’ – needless to say, it kills and damages all cells it comes into contact with. They have no way of directing it, so essentially it causes horrible side effects – some of which are still with me (and I am told, may be with me for years).
Radiotherapy sucked. It was everyday for 6 weeks. It’s a very strange thing to have technicians who are wearing lead aprons and protective gear ask you to remove your clothing in order to be fried by a machine that is no-doubt dangerous. At first I felt like James Bond being ready to have a lazer beam cut him half… except I didn’t escape my fate as he does – and towards the end I started to feel like an alien being experimented on.
On that note – I truly commend those who offer themselves to medical studies post-cancer survival… You are real warriors!
I’m not doing well adjusting to my new status as barren… And it only irks me further when I try to express my emotional distress and am met with “but you can always adopt”… I am well aware I can adopt – have a surrogacy – become a crazy cat lady – but I just need to mourn this massive loss and I really wish people understood that, rather than trying to ‘fix it’.
Guide to Why I Have Become a Raving Lunatic:
- Menopause (resulting from the hysterectomy and therefore a loss of regulatory hormones)
- At 27 I lost the ability to bare children
- I still have symptoms from chemo and radiotherapy
- I have very little energy and am basically a young woman trapped in a body I don’t recognise and can’t control
- My emotions are all over the place – I can switch from happy and relaxed to spewing molten lava in 5 seconds flat (not as great of a party trick as you’d imagine – especially when pre-cancer one of my most noticeable traits was my patience)
- I had a seemingly undetectable cancer (that’s a pretty basic one, right?)
- My life long dream career made me miserable (teaching)
All the above is bound to make you a cranky-snappy-ass-bitch; or more commonly know as a Raving Lunatic.
I whole-heartily apologise to anyone who my anger lands on – it’s not you, it’s me… but can you blame me?
World, meet Buttonz (yes, I am one of those dog owners who dress their dog up… I have no shame).
He’s a year old now and he’s my bae!
I’m exploring a new career path in Wedding & Event Planning. I’m very excited to focus my attentions on something new!
And, finally – I joke about being single, but right now that works just fine for me. I need to focus on myself, come to terms with my losses and re-write my 5 year plan. Besides I don’t even want to think about how to approach that difficult conversation about what has happened, what could happen and what I can’t offer… Plus, the single and dying alone part is kind of countered by Buttonz…